Eyes all over

I want to hide. Weddings. I want to skip the wedding. I don’t want anyone looking at me as I enter the room. I want to disappear as everyone dances. Holidays. Everyone will look at my clothing and judge me. If I go pray, they will stare at me the whole time. I don’t know what they really think. Social scenes. I cannot speak for fear they will think I am stupid. What if I become flustered.

Why do I care, I constantly ask myself? What if I just left my house and felt free of worries. I want to speak my mind without worrying how people will react. I want to be like all those other people who seem relaxed while participating in a conversation. I envy those who laugh without thinking they sound strange.

I don’t want to feel others are better than me because of the amount of money they spend on clothing. I want to look like I have it together as I walk around. When people see me, I want to leave a confident impression.

Why is what others think so important to me? Why does that effect many decisions I make? Why do I spend so many hours thinking about all these questions and thoughts?

Is it possible for me to go with my gut? Is it possible to make the decision I know I want and stick with it? Can I go to future events and not be consumed with thoughts of anyone’s opinion but mine? I really want to go into places without feeling self conscious. How about being able to walk up to someone and introduce myself? How I long for all of this. These thoughts are always on my mind.

I would really like things to be different moving forward. I need to use a lot of positive self talk to encourage myself in many areas. I need to notice the times I do something well, or better. Those are the moments to think about a lot. I need to build on them.